Captivating

by John & Staci Eldredge

Emasculating Women

Women pretty much fall into one of three categories: Dominating Women, Desolate Women, or Arousing women. The first two are what happens to Eve as a result of the Fall. The 3rd is a woman whose femininity is being restored by God and who offers it to others.

I mentioned Annie in The Horse Whisperer as an example of a dominating, emasculating woman. She needs nothing from her man. She has life under control she wears the pants in the family. Her message is clear:"You are weak and untrustworthy. I am strong. Let me lead and things will go fine." The effect on a man is not good. When a woman becomes controlling and not in the least vulnerable, her seduction is shut down. The message is,"Back off- I'll handle this." Any wonder that he backs off?

So many women fear the wilderness God put in their man. They are drawn to his strength but then they set about taming him once they've "caught" him. "I don't want you riding a motorcycle anymore. i don't want you hanging around your friends so much. Why do you need to go off on all those adventures?" Women who make their husbands pee sitting down.

But there are other types of emasculating women. In the movie Enchanted April, we meet 4 women - 2 who are desolate and 2 who are emasculating. Caroline is a woman who is beautiful with the kind of beauty most women envy. But hers is a severe beauty. She uses it like a weapon to get what she wants, leaving a trail of broken hearts in her wake. There is nothing soft about her. Softness is key to a woman. Not weakness - softness. Tenderness. Mrs Fisher, a wealthy widow, is the other emasculating character. she orders everyone around, runs her world like a dictator. She shows no emotion unless it is disgust in someone's apparent weakness. There is nothing alluring about her at all.

Emasculating women send a clear message:"I don't need you. I refuse to be vulnerable and inviting. You have nothing to offer me."

Desolate Women

The third character in Enchanted April is Lottie. She is not harsh - just shut down from years of living with a selfish, domineering pig of a man. She looks like a whipped puppy, rushing to please him in any way, not out of love but out of fear and some weird idea of submission. She is depressed. Rose is Lottie's friend, they meet at church. She is the Religious Woman. The typical Church Lady. She's actually quite beautiful. She dresses in such a way as to hide it. Bag - shaped dresses, hair in a bun. Her heart is also shut down. She hides behind her prayers and her "good works of service." She is weary and tired.

Desolate women don't seem at first pass to be all that emasculating. They don't attack or dominate. But neither do they allure. Their message is simply," There's nothing here for you." The lights are off, they have dimmed their radiance, no one is home. A man in her presence feels... uninvited. It's a form of rejection, emasculating to be sure. But it's harder to point out because it's so subtle.

Desolate women can also be those whose ache is what defines them. Women who will do whatever it takes to get a man. The Woman at the Well in John 4 would be an example. She moves from lover to lover trying to fill the void within her. She's available - but in a clingy, desperate way. "Groveling," as one friend said, "manipulating, begging for attention." Like the character Catherine Zeta - Jones plays in The Terminal. Their message to men is,"I need you too much. Please tell me who I am. Fill me." Men use women like this - but they do not love them. They do not feel challenged to be a Hero. Desolate women do not call the men in their lives to be Heroes.

Arousing Women

If you would be loved, be lovable - OVID

The beautiful story in Enchanted April is how each of the women actually becomes a woman indeed. Caroline softens, becomes tender and vulnerable. She no longer resents her beauty, but offers it gently, almost shyly, which for her is repentance. Lottie and Rose gain a sense of self. They become substantive, able to offer their men a real mate, not a doormat. They, too, become alluring; being less shy is repentance for them - no longer hiding but coming forward in a gentle way. The effect on e men in their lives is astounding. What severity and domineering and hiding and whining could not do, beauty does. Their men come forth as good men, repentant men. Heroes.

An arousing woman is one who calls forth the best in a man by offering who she is as a woman - someone who offers her beauty, her heart, as we described in the last chapter. Such a stark contrast is set out in the movie, A Walk in the Clouds. There are 2 women in Paul Sutton's life (played by Keanu Reeves). His wife is not an arousing woman. She pressures him,"You are not the man I want you to be." she is manipulating and demanding. Eventually she has an affair. The Hispanic woman he meets on the bus, however is alluring. Astrong and self-confident woman, she is also soft and inviting. Her message to him is,"You are an amazing man."

However it is expressed in the uniqueness of your own feminity, arousing Adam comes down to this:

Need him. And believe in him.

That is what a man needs to hear from his woman, more than anything else. I need you. I need your strength. I believe in you. You have what it takes.