Failings of a daughter

I come from a dysfunctional family. Since young domestic violence was frequent. My dad was an aggressive man. My mum was a depressed and rejected woman. She falls into the desolate woman category in Captivating. Ever since I was a child, I learn that in order to survive at home, it was to retaliate first, to attack instead of to defend. Of course, it was all wrong, wasn't it? Love isn't suppose to be like that. Mothers would hug their children to bed... and fathers would piggyback their kids. But I was rejected. I was alone. I was afraid.

My dad is a traditional Chinese cultured man. He spoke few words, preferring to shoulder all the responsibility and burdens of the family onto himself. My mum never understood his intentions. Whenever things go wrong, she would start pushing the blame to my father... and the cycle went on...

Hence in my teenage years, I started to bottle everything up, choosing rather to swallow everything on my own than to even confide in my parents. Who would understand? If I told my mum, I would only earn her resentments. If I told my dad, I feared his temperamental outbursts which would only lead to more domestic violence.

I knew my mother never accepted me as what I am. No matter how hard I tried to get the grades in school, to try to do well, to even secretly work while studying. I never fit into her fixed criteria of a "good and obedient daughter." Reason being: I never finished JC, never went to NUS like my cousin who is doing a double degree, never went to NTU like my older cousin who majored in accounting. And gossip relatives only do more harm than good during family gatherings, which is another reason why I hate CNY and all its bitchy unneccessary comparisons. It's not that I don't want to finish JC, but what is the right price to pay? Is it right that I graduate with triple science, enter into some prestigious university and become like one of those local snobs who don't even know how tough life is? When my best friend sacrificed her education and dream just to see me through JC1. Is it fair that she failed? While I passed without making any effort? And because of me, I took her dream away... This is just one of the many things which I can never tell them why I chose to drop out at JC2, why I ignored everyone's comments that I was mad. Deep down inside, I was never meant to be some doctor or scientist, not because I can't make the cut.. but because my dream, my passion, my life... has always been in arts, in music. I can't live my life out in a lie. I'm sorry... I just can't do it. I have already ruined a person's future. Must I ruin more people's lives just to satisfy her hopes for me? *stops to wipe away the heartbreaking tears*

I'm not like my cousins who have no social life, who has never experienced hardships or setbacks, who has never shared the tears and sorrows of other people. They have sheltered lives. Good for them. I'm not jealous, because of what I have experienced, it made me a better person, it made me more aware of the sufferings of others... of the pain of the people around me. This is a price I gladly pay... because if i didn't go through all these, I wouldn't be at where I am today... with a calling, with a purpose to live for, to fight for.

How do I tell my mother or father why I stay up late? Just to pray, to worship God, to read the bible? Will she understand that I have people calling me up as late as 2am, 3am, crying on the other line, with their hearts breaking, their lives and future at stake? Will anyone want such a ministry when you need to be available for people almost 24 hours a day? Simply because you wouldn't know when would things crop up. I'm not a superwoman. I'm just a human, trying my very best to keep everything together for everyone.

When a relationship fails, it's always the fault of both parties. The differences in our mindsets just makes things worse. I'm not perfect, I do admit my failings as a daughter. I do apologise to my dad and mum for my transgressions. Just like how I pointed out to my mum whenever she resents my dad on why things never worked for the past 20 over years. I told her blankly in her face, a man needs a wife who is supportive of him, and not tearing him down. That's exactly why my dad didn't quit smoking. He smoked because he had no one else to turn to. He felt that no one understood the difficulties that he is facing, which is why he chose to swallow everything and keep quiet... only to release it through smoking? So is smoking the root cause? Hardly! It is the fact that communication has broken down that is the root cause of all these problems! Over the years, my dad turned from an aggressive man into a passive man, just letting my mum have her way all the time. Even my dad's pride has been broken to a point that he even admitted to both my mum and me about his failings.

God is the only anchor in my life. He is my biggest miracle. And even though I admit that I am doubtful of my circumstances now... but I know... ginosko... that I have a future in Jesus. Why should I even be bothered with earthly accomplishments when I have already set my eyes on the heavenly treasures? A true walk, will not only consist of the joy and victories, but more importantly of the testings, trials and sorrows, which is part of the character molding process. I want to let everyone know that I am only human, ain't perfect, sinful yet justified through His blood. Only at the end, God, You are the one left standing... to prove everyone else wrong.

PS. I sincerely offer my apologies to everyone who was at the water baptism today... I never expected things to turn out this way.